Monday, October 18, 2010

-Guilty as Charged-

Today, I felt myself physically giving up.  No matter how hard I try to mentally push through the pain, sometimes my body just gives way to the physical signs of depression.
Since being diagnosed,I have had a terrible time with doctors, either over medicating, not listening, or not being available.  I had to switch doctors, and start the process all over again- and it took me over 7 years to get the first diagnoses because I was just living with the pain, and the doctors kept telling me it was all in my head.
Now I have a son, and I have a terrible time particapting in his life... The waiting and the pain are just exhausting.  I try so hard to keep my spirits up, but it's just getting harder every day.  There are no local support groups here, and I only have my mom and fiance as local support.
I've started just napping toget through the day...  which just makes me feel worse.

I have been depressed before and know the preventative measures to take:

  • Make sure to eat at least three meals a day
  • Try and get a good nights rest
  • Limit naps
  • Excersise
  • Keep Social Company
  • Use positive thinking

These are just the basic.  I've been going through the motions.  But it is just that- they're just motions.  I eat, whether I'm hungry or not.  I try and sleep, and stay on some kind of schedule.  I try and go without naps, if I think I can function (it's getting harder everyday).  Excersising- I have my limits, but I try to work around them.  Social company- I get out of the house when I can.  Positive thinking....   I have hope...  that is one I always will need to work on.

I just wish I knew why I felt like giving up more and more.  When I say give up, what I mean by that is, well many things.  I wish my family didn't have to take responsibility for me.  I want to just go somewhere where they could figure stuff out.  I hate the way I see my family worry about me.  I hate watching my son grow up and not being able to do more for him.  I know I do the best I can, but I want to do more. 

I guess this would be classified as the 'guilt' aspect...

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