Friday, September 10, 2010

-A Moment For Strong People-

I try very hard to keep an emotional balance while dealing with my life. It is very hard.  And every few weeks or months, I crack.  It can take a song, a silent pause, someone saying the wrong thing, and I just start to cry...  usually it ends up while riding in car, left to my thoughts, or on hold for the twentieth time with a doctor's office.

Not only does the pain of RSD slowly wear me down, many other factors effect me as well. 
I am not talking about the depression...  I know depression, I've been to that dark place before...  what  I'm talking about those moments, after weeks of restless nights, endless doctor visits, people not understanding, that generally were one down...  The general stress in my life, that I talk only to four or five people in person about, but no one seems to truly understand.
I try very hard to keep an external shell of what I consider to be 'strong'.  I have to take care of my son.  I have a loving family.  I know complaining about my pain all day is just as stressful on them as it is to me. 
But ever now and then the dam needs breaks, and I just cry.  Whether there is a reason or not, I will cry for at least a good 10 minutes to an hour... and it feels so good.  Whether I cry in the car, or alone in the shower, sometimes one just needs to break down the wall and let it all go.

If you have no one to talk to, don't rely solely on online support groups.  Human contact is very important.  Get out as much as you can, especially with Fall and the holidays approaching.  Even if it is just going to your local library, go get some books to read to brighten your spirits, and while you are there talk to your librarians. Ask them if they know of any good books. And if need be, find a therapist if you do not already have one.  I have two (not the two people I was referring too).


  1. I know I haven't RSD, like your target readers, but I still find your postings here to be inspirational.

    It's got to be rough for you, I don't think I could begin to imagine what it is like. It makes me feel my annoyances with life are so petty.
    You seem so strong to me, and such a fighter, but I know you have your weaknesses, as well. I am privileged to be able to read about them here.

    I took heart of your last paragraph here, in the context of my life and some things I was discussing with friends online today.

  2. Thank you for posting this. I'm just in the process of papering over a huge crack right now - one big enough for me to have to stop writing for a while - so I know just where you are coming from. It's always reassuring to know that someone out there understands.

  3. K,

    I've read a few of your blogs and I can't say I relate to every word, but then I approach my condition from a man's viewpoint, a doctor's viewpoint and that of someone who has dealt with RSD for going on 12 years. That said, I think you are doing a wonderful thing here, not just for yourself, but for others who stop by.

    It has always proved useful to me to see this monster (RSD) thru others' eyes. I have seen many of our fellow sufferers with fewer problems than I have, but just as many who have practically lost everything to it. Knowing this keeps me humble and from falling too deeply into self-pity ... but, as you say, there are times when none of the usual devices work and I just want to quit. I have spoken to friends about taking the "long sleep" ... perhaps subconsciously trying to solicit their permission and forgiveness ... and more times than I want to admit, it has been my family, my friends and perhaps the continuing glow of an ember of a hope for an eventual cure, that kept me going.

    We RSDers are often invisible to the world at large and our "disease" is misunderstood, or unknown to many, many people, including the health professionals on whom we rely for our eventual emancipation from the shackles of our pain. We are prone to depression, withdrawal from living and suicide ... even more so than cancer patients.

    I believe that your open and on-going description of your life with RSD, your triumphs and relapses and even your depression (should it occur) and the truly dark times you face (and the strength with which you face them) will benefit many people. Beyond that, you seem very open and honest... In my practice, I found this to be nearly as important as my knowledge of disease and human anatomy, in helping people get well.

    If you ever doubted it, don't, you are doing a good thing here ... probably for more people than you know. Feels good doesn't it?!

    Be well,

  4. god bless..or any other blessings you should believe in.